Communication before disconnection
On choosing to step into the relationship before walking away
The world feels a lot easier when you break things down into simple terms. Good or bad. Yes or no. It is or it isn’t. But the problem with that kind of all-or-nothing thinking is that the world doesn’t usually fit so nicely into those boxes.
This oversimplification has extended to social perceptions of relationships.
Just cut them off.
Go no contact.
Protect your peace.
Block and move on.
And, let’s be real, there are absolutely justifiable reasons to do all of those things. Sometimes cutting someone out of your life is the healthiest, most necessary decision you can make. Sometimes no contact is the right answer. Yes, even with family.
This is not an argument against any of that.
But somewhere between “work through everything no matter what” and “cut off anyone who disappoints you,” there is a conversation worth having about the nuance of real life relationships. And unfortunately, a lot of people are skipping it.
What We Tend To Leave Out
Before cutting someone out of your life, it is worth considering if this is a situation that might benefit from an honest conversation first.
Not because the other person deserves a chance to talk you out of your decision. And not because you owe anyone unlimited access to your life or your energy. But because when we leave conflicts unresolved, unaddressed even, they have a tendency to pop up later on.
Maybe they rear their ugly head in the way we act in the next relationship. Maybe they color the way we see ourselves. Perhaps they weave their way into the stories we tell about why things didn’t work out. Stories that tend to be one sided and sometimes worsen our outlook.
It can feel easier to just close ourselves off and choose to never have that conversation. But when we skip communication and go straight to disconnection, we trade short term relief for unresolved feelings that could stick around for a while. Is that really a trade worth making?
There Are Real Exceptions
Before we continue this conversation, I want to step back for a moment and acknowledge the reality that there are situations where having the conversation is not only unnecessary but could also be unsafe.
Abuse is the most obvious case. You cannot talk someone into not abusing you. Manipulation, coercion, and patterns of harm do not get resolved through a well-thought-out conversation. If staying to have that conversation might put you at greater risk, then it is not worth it. If that is the situation, protecting yourself comes first. Every time.
This same logic applies to situations where you have already made attempts to communicate but have repeatedly been met with dismissal, retaliation, or more harm. If you have tried and the other person has made it clear they are not willing to engage honestly, that is information in itself.
You are not obligated to keep trying forever. Your time, energy, and emotions deserve respect. Repeatedly putting yourself out there just to be disappointed is a misuse of valuable and limited resources.
In this article, I am talking about something very different. I am talking about situations where the difficult conversation was available, possible, and could have helped… but for whatever reason never happened.
The Cost of Avoidance
When we go no contact without ever addressing the situation, a few things tend to happen.
The other person doesn’t know why. Which means they cannot take accountability for something they may not even know they did. This is not always a reason to stay — use your best judgment based on the situation. But it is worth acknowledging.
Closure remains out of reach. We don’t get closure, not real closure, anyway. Because we never had the opportunity to say what needed to be said. Or the opportunity to hear what we needed to hear. Which means we never had all the information necessary to make a clear and informed decision about what comes next.
Sometimes (not always) a relationship that could have been repaired ends because the conversation felt too hard, uncomfortable, or uncertain. Because fear and discomfort were in control. And the mere existence of discomfort was mistaken for incompatibility.
Having the Conversation
Difficult conversations are hard for a reason. They require vulnerability, emotional regulation, and a willingness to hear something you might not want to hear. To say the things that stick in your throat, but must be said. These conversations ask you to stay present when a piece of you keeps shouting to run toward the comfort of avoidance.
These are some of the most important conversations you will ever have.
If you are avoiding a conversation that needs to happen, ask yourself honestly… what is it that you are afraid of? The answer to that question is usually where the real work is.
If you aren’t sure how to have the conversation (maybe you find yourself shutting down or escalating when things get hard) there are skills that can be learned. Communication is not something most of us were explicitly taught, but it is something that can be practiced, developed, and improved over time.
The Bottom Line
Cutting someone off can be the right choice. Going no contact can be an act of self-preservation. Protecting your peace is real and valid and sometimes necessary.
AND. Before you get there, in situations where it is safe and possible, try to have the difficult conversation first. Say the thing that has been sitting in your chest. Give the relationship a real chance to either repair or end honestly.
You might be surprised what happens. And if the relationship ends, at least you’ll know you tried. At least it will be clear and you will never be burdened by wondering what if?
You deserve that clarity
About The Author
Amanda Marshall, Ph.D., NCSP
Dr. Marshall is a licensed psychologist and certified school psychologist, and the founder of Inspire Psychology, a private psychology practice serving adolescents, adults, and families across New Jersey, New York, and PSYPACT participating jurisdictions. She specializes in neurodivergent experiences, executive functioning, learning differences, anxiety, depression, OCD, and life transitions. Her approach is grounded in acceptance — helping people understand their own minds with curiosity rather than judgment. If something here resonated, you can learn more or schedule a free 15-minute consultation at inspirepsycnj.com
Follow me on Substack for weekly articles delivered directly to your inbox.
