Urgency Is a Feeling. Not a Fact.
Navigating big feelings without making permenant choices.
The most important decisions in your life deserve to be made from clarity. Not from the fog of a heightened emotional state.
This sounds obvious. And yet most of us have made at least one significant decision —sent a message we regretted, ended something we didn’t mean to end, said yes when we needed to say no — because something felt urgent in the moment. Because waiting felt impossible. Because the discomfort of not deciding felt worse than deciding badly.
That feeling is real. The urgency it creates is not.
What’s Actually Happening
When we feel a strong emotion (anxiety, anger, fear, betrayal) our nervous system responds. Out body reacts. Heart rate increases. Thinking narrows. And the brain starts pushing for resolution. Out brain wants action. Our brain reaches for anything that will make the discomfort stop.
This is your threat response doing exactly what it was designed to do. It is trying to protect you. The problem is that it cannot distinguish between a genuine emergency and a difficult conversation, a relationship conflict, or a decision that actually deserves time and careful thought.
In DBT we apply distress tolerance skills to these situations, which are specifically designed to help us get through big feelings. The goal is not to eliminate the feeling. The goal is to survive the feeling without making things worse.
Because the feeling will pass. Emotions are temporary. Every single one of them.
The Practical Part
When urgency shows up (and it will) here is what to do with it:
Pause. Not forever. Just long enough to recognize what is happening. You are in emotion mind. This is not the moment to make a permanent decision.
Name it. “This feeling of urgency is a reaction. It is a feeling, not a fact. Not a deadline.” Naming the experience creates distance between you and the impulse to act.
Give it time. Most things that feel like they need an answer right now do not actually need an answer right now. The urgency is internal, not an external pressure. Ask yourself honestly: what will happen if I wait?
Decide when your mind is clear. Use coping strategies to bring yourself down to baseline and access your Wise Mind. Do not make choices in the heat of the moment or from the perspective of Emotion Mind. After the wave has passed and you can think straight again, that is when you can make a choice from a place of clarity.
The Bottom Line
Urgency is information. It is telling you that something matters, that something feels threatening, that your nervous system is activated. That is worth noticing.
Urgency is not an instruction.
It does not dictate your actions.
You do not have to act on it. You do not have to decide right now. You are allowed to pause, let the feeling move through you, and come back to the decision when you can think clearly.
The most important things in your life deserve that much.
About The Author
Amanda Marshall, Ph.D., NCSP
Dr. Marshall is a licensed psychologist and certified school psychologist, and the founder of Inspire Psychology, a private psychology practice serving adolescents, adults, and families across New Jersey, New York, and PSYPACT participating jurisdictions. She specializes in neurodivergent experiences, executive functioning, learning differences, anxiety, depression, OCD, and life transitions. Her approach is grounded in acceptance — helping people understand their own minds with curiosity rather than judgment. If something here resonated, you can learn more or schedule a free 15-minute consultation at inspirepsycnj.com
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