The Guilt of Setting a Boundary
And why it is time to disrupt the status quo
The term “boundary” has become a bit of a hot topic recently. People misunderstand, even weaponize, the term. Which is truly unfortunate because boundaries are an important part of building healthy relationships and practicing effective communication. It seems that as a result, many people are struggling to navigate boundary setting and report feeling significant guilt when faced with the need to communicate their limits.
The guilt of setting a boundary is a common theme in my practice. When a person first starts to say “no,” step back, or redefine existing expectations, it can feel like they are disrupting the status quo.
To others, certainly. But also, to themselves.
It isn’t unusual to worry that setting a boundary might make others feel uncomfortable. It might cause conflict or disagreements. These are normal concerns.
I push back on this because if you are choosing to set a boundary, something about the previous arrangement is not working for you. And choosing to just go along with it to “keep the peace” is actually robbing yourself of an opportunity to communicate your needs in a way that might enhance that relationship for everyone involved.
The Boundary Misunderstanding
So often these days, we hear boundaries framed as ultimatums or demands on others. That is absolutely NOT what a boundary is.
The purpose of a boundary is to communicate your needs in a healthy way to the people in your life so that they know what is needed to remain an active and welcome participant in your life. The boundary itself acts as a guardrail. A way for those around us to know what is expected, accepted, and tolerated. To provide them with explicit information so they aren’t left guessing about what you want or need. So that the people in your life can choose to respect that boundary and grow closer to you.
It doesn’t always work. I won’t act like setting a boundary is some magical fix. Like any other form of communication, every person involved brings their own ideas, opinions, and reactions. I can’t guarantee that setting a boundary will successfully revive a relationship or increase your comfort with having that person in your life. What I can say with some confidence is this: if you never try to communicate your boundary, you will never know what could have been if you had.
How You Respond
The boundary you set is a communication. But upholding that boundary is dependent on you. And only you.
We cannot control how others act. What they think, believe, or choose to do. We can only control ourselves.
How you choose to respond to boundary violations is an important part of this process. You know your people best. You may choose to have multiple conversations, allow room for growth, and guide them toward a better understanding of your needs. You might also choose to implement your response sooner. Every person is different. Every dynamic is different.
What matters is that you reflect on what you need and how you will proceed if those boundaries are not respected.
Following through, whether that is stepping back from communication, choosing not to attend certain events, saying “no” to additional responsibilities, or some other action, is integral to respecting yourself in this process.
Saying “I need xyz to feel respected and able to be present at this family event,” becomes meaningless if you continue to attend after multiple boundary violations.
Remember, you are the one that must take action to uphold the boundary. This part is your responsibility.
Clear Communication
Here are a few phrases to try out (and make them your own so it feels natural saying it):
“I am not telling you what to do. My boundary is a reflection of my own actions.”
“I am communicating what I need to feel respected in this relationship, and how I will choose to protect myself if I am not.”
“I am not asking you to change. I am sharing what I need to feel respected in this relationship because healthy communication matters to me.”
“Having you in my life is important to me. That is why I am sharing what I need to feel respected in this relationship.”
Setting a boundary is an act of self-respect. And when communicated effectively to those we care for, a boundary can also be a mechanism to enhance the existing relationship.
It takes courage to communicate your needs clearly and honestly…especially if you have spent a long time prioritizing everyone else’s comfort over your own.
About The Author
Amanda Marshall, Ph.D., NCSP
Dr. Marshall is a licensed psychologist and certified school psychologist, and the founder of Inspire Psychology, a private psychology practice serving adolescents, adults, and families across New Jersey, New York, and PSYPACT participating jurisdictions. She specializes in neurodivergent experiences, executive functioning, learning differences, anxiety, depression, OCD, and life transitions. Her approach is grounded in acceptance — helping people understand their own minds with curiosity rather than judgment. If something here resonated, you can learn more or schedule a free 15-minute consultation at inspirepsycnj.com
