Hoping They Will Change Is Not A Strategy
Patterns, clarity, and adjusting your energy to choose yourself
Continuing to extend grace to someone who repeatedly hurts you is just you hoping the version of them you need will eventually show up.
Unfortunately, this is not likely to happen.
If that version of them existed, they would have already revealed themselves to you.
That’s a hard thing to sit with. Because the version of them you’ve been holding onto - the one you’ve seen glimpses of, the one you think is in there somewhere - that version feels real. And maybe in some moments, it is. But wanting something to be true and it actually being true are two very different things.
We hold on because letting go feels like giving up. Like admitting that the time, energy, and love we poured into something was wasted.
But what if it wasn’t wasted? What if that experience taught you something valuable? About them. About yourself. About what you need and what you will no longer accept.
The real question is once you have learned that information, what will you do with it?
Believe What They’ve Shown You
People tell us who they are all the time. Not always with their words. Most commonly, people show us who they are through patterns of behavior: the way they show up when things get hard, how they respond when you express a need or disagree with them, or how they treat you when no one is watching.
When someone’s actions consistently contradict their words, that’s not a misunderstanding. That’s data.
Don’t waste your energy holding on to who someone could have been. Accept who they have proven themselves to be.
This act of acceptance brings clarity.
Clarity regarding what you deserve, what you truly want, what you need, and where that will or will not come from.
Choosing to move forward intentionally based on that clarity, that is an act of self-respect.
Adjusting Your Energy
Adjusting your energy doesn’t always mean walking away. Sometimes it means recalibrating your expectations. Maybe you reevaluate the role this person actually gets to play in your life based on who they have shown themselves to be (not who you need them to be). Perhaps it means learning to set boundaries and disengage from unhealthy patterns.
Adjusting your energy means protecting your peace without waiting for an apology that may never come. It means choosing yourself, one decision at a time.
That is not giving up on someone. That is finally being honest about what is actually there. Who they actually are. What they are actually capable of giving.
It can be difficult stepping out of a pattern that has felt familiar for so long. But familiar doesn’t always mean better. And you don’t have to continue to participate in something that is not serving you. Once you realize who that person is - who they really are, as they are right now (not who you wish or hope or think they might become) - then you are able to choose how to move forward with realistic expectations.
That honesty might be the greatest act of kindness you offer to yourself - and them.
About The Author
Amanda Marshall, Ph.D., NCSP
Dr. Marshall is a licensed psychologist and certified school psychologist, and the founder of Inspire Psychology, a private psychology practice serving adolescents, adults, and families across New Jersey, New York, and PSYPACT participating jurisdictions. She specializes in neurodivergent experiences, executive functioning, learning differences, anxiety, depression, OCD, and life transitions. Her approach is grounded in acceptance — helping people understand their own minds with curiosity rather than judgment. If something here resonated, you can learn more or schedule a free 15-minute consultation at inspirepsycnj.com
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